A day Away From the Golf Course

           I usually leave the shopping up to my wife especially when it involves Big Box stores, such as Wal-Mart, Sam’s Club or Costco!  Normally, she does the shopping while I’m golfing or I will drop her off while I visit the nearby golf stores while she takes care of this ghastly chore!  However, in a moment of weakness and a complete disregard of logical reasoning, she promised me a large diet coke and hotdog for lunch if I would drive and accompany her to the Costco store in Rancho Mirage…an agreement was now made with a non-renege clause!

          The one hour drive from Hemet to Rancho Mirage was uneventful putting my mind in somewhat of a hypnotic state while being accompanied with a full bladder!  As I finally pulled my truck into the parking facilities of Costco, I quickly emerged from my hypnotic state with the guarantee of imminent bladder relief once inside!  Also, sprawled before me in the parking lot was a sea of the largest vehicles ever known to man parked crooked in every space…it appeared the entire elderly population from the desert was present for another day of free food samples! 

            Not wanting to risk a dent to my truck from the errant opening of an oversized car door or a broken side mirror from a stumbling senior using it as a shower handhold, I elected to park in the adjoining lot at Golfsmith and walk hurriedly the remaining distance over to the Costco store!  Still, one had to be very agile and brave enough to navigate the obstacle course of run-away wheel chairs, wayward walkers and mean spirited seniors with canes before arriving at the front entrance of Costco!

          Before entering the giant shopping arena, I secured a shopping cart of an enormous size of which I thought I would need a commercial driver’s license to operate!  At the entry door I had to show my membership card to a non-smiling and grimacing employee who appeared to be suffering from a severe case of painful constipation with no prospect of an immediate reprieve!  As I could relate with his excruciating pain, I quickly hurried off to the men’s restroom for a much over due bladder respite for myself!

          Sadly, I had to wait in a very unhurried line which reminded me of a ‘slow play’ golf day at Diamond Valley!  I waited behind those who, without a doubt, needed assistance with their own body functions…hopefully after they were able to undo their zippers or trousers!

          While unceremoniously waiting in a main aisle for my wife to find an item, I happened to turn around just in time to see an overfilled shopping cart that appeared to be the size of a semi-truck heading straight at me at a high rate of speed with apparently no one in control of its destination!  With the agility of a highly trained athletic and the timing of a Swiss clock, I was able to quickly sidestep and avert an injury that would have certainly ended my golfing career!  As the over-loaded shopping cart barely missed me and rolled past, I noticed that it was indeed being piloted by an ‘old peep’ that who could not see above or around her large cargo!  An old peep is a small obscured person who drives a vehicle and has to peep up through the steering wheel and over the dashboard to find their way!

          Finally, I had had enough of compulsory acrobatics and perilous encounters with people who insisted on using their shopping carts as rolling battering rams!  Immediately, I guided my wife to safety and over to the food court to collect my promised reward of a large diet cola and hot dog!  

          After a short wait, I was served the long awaited hot dogs with empty containers for our drinks of which my wife dutifully filled with chipped ice and diet cola!  I un-wrapped my all beef hot dog to find that the oversized Weiner hung limply over each end of an undersized bun which immediately reminded me to take ¼ of a Viagra pill for tomorrow’s golf match whereas I would not piss on my new golf shoes!